“I've spent most of my life and most of my friendships holding my breath and hoping that when people get close enough they won't leave, and fearing that it's a matter of time before they figure me out and go.”

Shauna Niequist

the darkest night will end

whaddup blogpost!!!

today was just any other ordinary day. the color of despair painted the skies since it was before six am. i laid in bed, i refused to get up. i got ready in 15 minutes and off to work i went. no hair, no makeup.

just another ordinary day.

after working out and getting home to make myself quite a boring lunch, and to take a nap that was 2.5 hours long, i found myself mindlessly feeling rushed to pull my hair to the side so it wouldn't look bad, and i was disappointed that i wasted another day. another day of just going through the motions and not really doing anything with it. just another day of fixing books, putting them back on the shelf. just another day of working out and putting on nice outfits that get wasted on the rot and on the locker room at the gym. when did my days become so dismal? when did my hours turn into a ticking clock that didn't mean anything?

today, i saw an old friend at the gym. a friend that i see at the gym a lot, actually. she and i catch up briefly when we see each other. she tells me that i need wear more sunscreen. that i need to sleep more and eat right. and she always tells me that she loves me. she never forgets that part. i tell her the same back. and i believe her. i know that she really does care, and it if weren't for these times at the gym, i would never get to see her. she brought a lil sense of joy to my day, and she made my dull boring routine a little brighter. ironically, she is apart of my routine and i love that. i love that i get to see her there, day after day, week after week.

i just want to make something out of this. i feel stuck in a rut, like everything is the same and i'm not challenged. i should take this time in and really rest on this downtime, because in a month (less than now), i will be anything but rested. planes, dollar bills and cat naps are going to be my life. the calm before the storm.

no one said that the storm had to be a bad one. thunder storms are scary, but what really comes from there? some thunder? a lil rain? but what's after them if it the sun is still out?!??!

a daggon rainbow!

but i am glad i played volleyball and i am glad that i didn't allow myself to be shy. i was tempted.

promising light

When it rains, it pours. I'm talking about God's love right now my friends. Raising support for my trip hasn't has been as stressful as I thought it would be. Honestly, I thought I would struggle - and don't get me wrong I have had those moments of thinking that I wouldn't make deadlines. But heyheyheydur, there is this God we serve that is so much greater than that. It was like every time freakouts began, I was reminded that God was in control. 

Matthew states so boldly, "But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Here I am, a poor little girl who could not afford a 3,000 dollar trip. But now I am less than 100 dollars away from being fully funded and I'm just sitting here in shock thinking that this is crazy and impossible in my eyes. 

The next thing I'm so excited to see God work out is the job situation. I should be stressing and freaking but a promise I get to claim says "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." 

All I know is I don't even deserve that, but alas I have it and I'm taking it. nomz

I told you to be patient

This may be so irrelevant and you may already know this, but I feel as though I need to share.

Click play.
Seriously. Just.Do.It.

There is so much music out there, but this, this is raw. Did you know that this whole album is the result of 3 months of solitude?
Like I said - raw. It's got my heart turning and aching for more.

party hopping in the house tonight

In the course of the past five days, I have attended five parties.

Let's just say that the party week started off slow, but quickly gained momentum. I'm talking rushing from one party to the next and barely able to catch your breath in your red party pants! It's really draining to celebrate so many things! And on top of that there was Spring Coffeehouse on Friday night (right after Aly's bday party).

Oh and Roxie's party, surprising her with a meet and greet with Elmer Towns, and Kate's awkward time of the year Spring surprise birthday party, and a bridal shower and a make believe tea party Saturday morning. My wallet hurts, but heart does not. I'm so exhausted and I am looking for some down time here in the next few days. I'm also looking forward to the chance to wear pants again.

BUT! I am so happy this weekend happened. Lately, it has dawned on me how I always reflect on the past and how great those times were. But really, I'm 23 years old and I know that a year from now I'm going to look at this weekend, and this Spring semester and think how fun these times were. I am going to be fond of these memories and I am going to say - hey Thanks God for all of those times I got to spend with my friends.
I know that this time next month now, we are all going to be getting ready to head our separate ways, but we're always together in my heart. I don't know what the future holds. It's scary and it is hard to think about, so right now I am going to be fond of these memories and not worry about it, for today's worry is sufficient in its self.

when will I learn

When will I learn to go to bed earlier.
To do my homework sooner.
To eat more vegtables
To write more 'thank you' notes.
To not put my hope in people.
To take my earrings out before I fall asleep.
To commit everything to prayer.

Everything comes in full circle and while I've learned it's like sometimes I haven't.

____
My good friend just came home from a 10-day missions trip from Rwanda. She explained that because she has seen she is now responsible. She talked about the genocide that happened there 20 summmmin years ago. I didn't know such a talk could break my heart yet heal it at the same time.

My heart breaks for those lost people of the world yet it gives my heart hope that there is something that I am fighting for.
____
I need to stop biting my nails tho.

how great

howdy

it's been so amazing these past few weeks. a lots been changing.

the faithfulness of God is soooooooooooooooo what you expect but never see it coming. even though you should.

keep praying my friends. i was so unsure about my trip and in just one night, God provided 193 dollars. It's going to keep happening, and I am so excited to see God move.

Speaking of, I bought my ticket to London today! I have a layover in Iceland for NINE hours. What am I going to do for nine hours?


I guess we'll find out. This is going to be so interesting, and I will keep anyone who reads this updated as the times go on.

he cannot deny himself

I watch tv.

For the heck of it, to feel emotion sometimes, and always to get through my workouts at the gym. TV is sort of a release from reality and it's always the best to watch and see how a character grows.

I also love TV because it is so good to see people live life together. To spend time and to depend on each other. Life is special and the people we share it with can really make it or break it for some of us.

These people live life together. They have spent years together. Laughing, living, crying, relationships and even anger.

It's BEAUTIFUL.

__________________
Now, here I am. I always relate life back to these shows. This crap is fake and it is not real. However, deep down, the truth is that I am close to these shows more than I realize.

Raising support for my trip has proved that, because there comes a time when I realize that people will support missions when they know someone and even when they don't. In this 'family' that I have, we are so big and we support each other in an even bigger way. I love it.

God has been so good and so faithful. In a matter of 1.5 hours, I raised 193 dollars! By three random people that I was not expecting anything from.

On a note so spiritual note, I have friends that I can go to places with, guys and girls, and just talk. Randomly, seriously, jokingly, awesomingely, spyingly (that one doesn't make so much sense).


Life is meant to live in community. So go live it.

the great danger

I'm sorry.
This is my sorry for... 2004. I mean 2013. For my attitude and my life.

You see, sometimes I get into this mind set and I feel there is a lot against me. I feel left out, lonely and it's stupid. It is all stupid. I then take it out on my closest friends, and it is not healthy. I want to be better and I want to show love and conquer set backs and strongholds on my life.

I know that no one really reads this blog, but I feel as though I need to just say it. It is hard for me to be honest like this and to show my weakness.

Mumford says it best when they say, "My weakness I feel I must finally show." (oybbaby)

There are ways to get over this though.
1. Be set in truth. THE truth. The only thing that has been spoken and the only thing that will stand firm in life. John 6:37 says, "All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out." There are so many truths that I need to set and focus my mind on.
2. Going beyond and above and really making an effort to not be cynical when it is time. There is only one way to get over this, and that is by doing it. I can talk to I'm BLUE in the face, but use is that if there is no fruit to bear.


Here's to life and here's to (the time we have left in) Lynchburg.

shoulda been more smart about it

Lent.
I'm not Catholic, but I'm doing Lent. I'm really excited about it.

I am not eating cookies or icecream or candy, not even lollis! It's a sad day when you don't eat lollis!

I can only have the original tart at fro-yo places with fruit toppings and peanut butter.


I work out six days a week. I bought new clothes today.
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiii

am excited.

afterall

Here is the world.

Here is a group of people from the world.

Here is the world. Again.

This is me.

I can't change anyone in this world. I can only change myself.

ever praise

sometimes God calls us to do outrageous things, and we'll never fully understand it. that is why i'm in so much school debt, i don't understand it but God has called me to a certain field and it'll be okay.


and that's a fact.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Bloggers! Bloggets!

It's time you knew, it's time you understood.

I'm going on a missions trip! I'm poor and can't afford it on my own, but God will provide!
I'm going to England and Holland. I'm spending two weeks in each country and I am going to help with ministry toward the Hindu population that lives there. It is going to be such an experience! I'm getting my passport this month and I've started to raise support already. I pray on the reg and I hope that God will really bless me and the others that I come in counter with.

I'll tell you about it more, later

the walls kept falling down

on the city that we loved.


January 22nd. One week, one day has flown by. I want to embrace every single day.

I don't want to be destructive because I know it's only for myself. I don't want to be so hardened by fear of loss and pain that I ruin what has been great all this time.

and endurance produces character, and character produces hope

2012

I always win.

I am delayed on my reflection of 2012. It feels like it never ended. That's how every year feels.

But 2012, when I really think about it, man I just get excited.
I went to New York for the first time IN MY WHOLE LIFE!! I went to New England ^_______^ twice.

I ran in a 10 miler, worked my first full time job, paid rent, lived on my own, upped my dress game, liked summer and finished the Harry Potter series.

graduated college.

my whole life is ahead of me, and while right now I seem stuck, God has already opened and provided so many doors. mmmmm which to chose.
It really was a year. Here's to 2013 and all of it's promises.

you know you love me. xoxo gossip girl

Do you ever wonder what your friends say when you're not around?
You know how you analyze others with your other friends? But once you are not with them, you have a feeling that they are saying things to other friends about you. You know how you have all of the negative things about your friends built in your head and when they commit them you think, "oh my friend, how typical of you is this?"
Have you stopped to think what those negative things about you that everyone else is aware of?
I could name a few of my own, probably.
This is also called gossip.

It's not a good feeling, and it really is not something that I am new to. No one is.

I think I'd rather have someone tell me to my face what they think about me. I think I would have them do it in a respectful way, too. Not in a blunt, in your face, in front of everyone type of way.


Where is class?

Just as a once and great man said,

 

I ain't Mike Jones, keep my name out of your mouth.

dale